Time to Get Comfy

We’ve been enjoying a beautiful view of a parking lot all morning, waiting, waiting, waiting to hear from the Infectious Disease Team.  Infectious Disease.  Sounds scary!  These are the people who are analyzing the yuck that was growing inside of me and deciding the best course of treatment.

Well, we just got news that we did not expect at all.  I am being admitted for the next several days.  The Infectious Disease Team feels that it is best that I remain at the hospital while my cultures are growing.  I am too high risk to send home on oral antibiotics (I had a an allergic reaction to one Dr. Hijjawi had me try last week.  They do not want to mess around with that again.)  So I stay here with the big guns IV antibiotic until we have a solid plan.

I’m really bummed.  I mean, I do understand why this is necessary in the big picture.  But, my mommy heart is breaking.  b.r.e.a.k.i.n.g.  Tomorrow is Ella’s 10th birthday.  We were planning to have her very first friends’ sleepover party – and on her real birthday!  She was so excited.  When I was so sick a few days ago, we told her  it would have to be postponed.  She was sad but took the news with maturity and understanding.  We promised to reschedule for when I was better and her party will be amazing.  And now I have to tell her that I won’t even be home on her birthday!  I won’t be able to wake her up by singing Happy Birthday.  I won’t be able to decorate the kitchen so it’s all ready when she walks downstairs.  I won’t have a special breakfast ready for her on the birthday plate and her cake ready after school for the evening.   Chris will do a lot of that.  He’s an amazing dad and assured me he will do the special birthday things.  I’m glad for him.  But, I want it to be me.

Ella is the VIP in her class this week.  Tomorrow is her day to present her pictures and a parent is invited to come watch.  I would have been there.  Chris will be there and I am so glad she will have someone.  But I want it to be me.

Chris has my list of requested  supplies that he will bring me this afternoon, and my plan for tomorrow is to decorate my comfy new hospital room for Ella’s birthday.  Chris will bring her in the evening so the three of us can have some time together to celebrate.  It will be reminiscent of the actual day she was born 10 years ago.  The three of us in a hospital room.  Except she won’t be 6lbs 9 oz and in a diaper and I won’t be struggling to nurse her.  We can play a game, sing to her, have cake, and we will make it special.

People always tell me kids are resiliant and they will be fine.  If you are thinking that about this situation, I respect your opinion.  But my respectful reply will be that my kids have made a lot of sacrifices throughout the last year and a half.  I do know they will be stronger for it.  I do know it will be ok in the long run.  This time, it is not ok.  It is not ok with me that I am separated from my baby on her 10th birthday.  It is a milestone for both of us.  She is looking forward to double digits.  And I have been a mom for 10 years!  I haven’t gotten mad about much throughout my cancer journey.  But today I am mad.  And sad.

I know that time will heal and I will get over it.  Getting it off my chest helps too.  So, for now I will focus on resting and healing and looking forward to giving her the celebration I really want her to have as soon as I am able.  She will be having a 10th birthday re-do this year.  And it will be spectacular!

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16 Responses to Time to Get Comfy

  1. Praying for you and your family, Jamie. That really stinks! My heart aches for you.

  2. Julia Westphal says:

    It’s not fair. It sucks. It blows. I won’t tell you anything different. I wish it could be different. I wish I could say anything other than I’m sorry. Neither of you deserve the shitty hand you’ve been dealt. Whatever gods message is, he needs to get it to you very soon. Frustration is setting in. I am sorry and I love you my friend.

  3. Mary says:

    Jamie – Peace be with you and Chris.
    Happy Double Digits Ella!!!!!

  4. Debbie says:

    Jamie, you are in my prayers! You have every right to be mad and sad! Chris is amazing as well as your kids. I love the birthday time in the hospital room 🙂
    Thinking of all of you during this time.
    Hugs, Debbie

  5. Jennifer Unger says:

    Don’t forget that YOU are the best birthday gift ever! Sending hugs!

  6. Rosa says:

    I am sorry to hear this new, J. It all just really SUCKS! I mean, really? I know it all sucks, but you guys sure are creative in re-framing the whole hospital room experience. Happy Birthday to big Ella. I still remember the first time I met her and my brother came along and calmed her down. Time sure goes by fast! Get better!!!!!

  7. Shelly says:

    Jamie, I’m sorry to hear the recent news. My heart too, hurts for you and your family. Double digits will equal double celebrations this year, and while not how you wanted things to go, it will still be a special birthday. Prayers for all.

  8. Melissa says:

    I am thinking of you and your family. You are all in my prayers. I am thinking of all of you and wishing you a wonderful celebration tomorrow night with Ella.

  9. Marge Schweitzer says:

    Bummer !!!!!! is all I can say. The “Memory of the Day You Were Born ” party is a great idea. You have every right to be mad and sad!!! I am sure she treasures her mom more than any party and she may be 10 yr. old but my guess is she knows that. Children are so smart, perceptive, and resilient. She knows you would be there if you could. You have had so many hurdles but you have survived them all, HANG IN THERE!!!!!! OUR PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU MARGE

  10. Kandi says:

    I’ll send a bunch of rum your way. For the gallons of lemonade you’ve made with all the sucky lemons you’ve been handed. Happy double digits to a fellow Boo Baby. May it be a wonderfully sweet day, even if it’s not your original vision.

  11. Jen P says:

    Jamie, that sucks!!!!! And, I would feel the same way. Enjoy this special moment with Ella the best way you can. It will definitely be a birthday to remember!! Lots of love!

  12. Katie Gerstmeier says:

    I am so sorry that this struggle continues for you. Does the school have wifi and maybe Chris could FaceTime you in the hospital. It won’t be the same but you could see her presentation and she would know you were there. Stay strong. I will be saying an extra prayer.

  13. Carin Quinones says:

    This is just plain crappy. 🙁 I’m so sorry that you can’t be there! Big virtual hugs from me and I just know that her birthday re-do is going to be amazing!

  14. Toni says:

    That made my heart hurt. I wish there was something any of us could do to make this all go away! However — I do love the notion of a hospital room reunion where you can look at pictures and have time with just you and Chris like it was when she was your only little peanut. That could be a special memory. But generally the rest sucks 🙁

  15. Amanda D says:

    Aw, Jamie. I’m so sorry to hear this. It really stinks and you have a right to be both mad and sad. Now that I’m a mom myself, I can completely understand that feeling! Please know that you are an absolutely amazing mom and your kids are so lucky to have you in their life, and Chris too. Sending you a big hug!!

  16. Sarah H says:

    J, my heart is breaking for you! My first thought is not “Ella will get over this.” It’s “That really sucks!” It really does. So I’ll be mad with you, and sad with you. And thinking of your first-born on her big, double-digit day. And I’ll be here for venting, however you need to vent. And I’m happy to pick up a bag of Doritos to share if you need that too! 😉

    Love you, Sweet J. <3 Sarah

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